It was a weird day, which ended with Leona and I being met by a poor relation of Jonny Depp outside a tiny village Co-op. Complete with maroon (yep, you heard me correctly - marooooooon) velvet top hat! Unfortunately for Leona I said what I saw quite loudly, well, loud enough for him to hear, and for her to crack up at me not being able to contain my thoughts, which happens quite a lot just recently.
Anyway, I digress - Can you imagine my excitement at starting a new course today! I was awake super-early, and ready to go by 8 am (it didn't start until 10am...) Leona was booked in on 'Dress Making' (she has had her sewing machine for FOUR years, and still doesn't know how to thread it, never mind actually make anything - Granny Ford would have had a fit if she'd known, so in her memory, she was going to learn) and I was the proud student on the Textile Patchwork and Quilting Course, already a self-taught machinist (with a bit of help from a short stint at Claydon Fashions waaaaaaay back in the 80's - piece work was never going to be my making!) I thought learning a new skill was just what was needed.
A brand new, all-singing-and-dancing sewing machine was ordered which was due in on Monday. I should have known how things were going to turn out when I received an email telling me that it wouldn't be delivered until Thursday (god damn it, the class started onTuesday!) so armed with Meg's machine and my new sewing box - Leona's old (but new to her) machine and her sewing box (in disguise of a Tesco's Christmas bag for life) we went in with great enthusiasm.
Full of beautiful material and buttons and ribbons to match, I very nearly lost control of all my bodily functions THIS WAS BETTER THAN CHOCOLATE! Everywhere you turned was filled with the most amazing fabrics and wadding and threads and blah blah blah *sighs*......
We both went to our separate areas and got settled in.
Looking around the classroom, I was aware that I was the youngest by about 25 years. I am DEFINATELY not ageist, and always embrace the knowledge and humour that comes with it. Being the new girl, the tutor came over to help as everybody else had been coming for years, so they were well advanced in the art of patchwork!
Armed with a list of items required before I could start, my first half an hour was spent perusing shelves full of interesting items, and I dreamily floated around the shop like Kirstie Allsopp with a carte blanche cheque on her first episode of "Home Made".
My fantasy was quickly shattered when I found my way back to my sewing area, as to my horror, a 'project' detailed on two A4 pieces of paper laid for my attention.
It was a typical patchwork pattern. The one that looks like a Star of David in hideous gaudy colours. I took a sharp intake of breath, and panic rising up from my triangle phobic centre - those 25 years of my youth were slipping away quicker than I could get my colour co-ordinated fat quarters out of my sewing box.....
"I can't do this!" I exclaimed.
"I can't do triangles, hexagons or semi-circles or leaf shapes!" I blurted out.
Quickly regaining my composure and not intending to offend any of my classmates my mind searched for an alternative explanation....
"I need to do squares first!"
The Tutor sighed - a gentle knowledgable nod, and she was over by my side ensuring me that I could go at my own pace. Squares were cut and calm and balance restored once again.
I cannot bear triangles. Hexagons are for bees Semi-circles and leaf shapes remind me of my brothers kindergarten jig-saws.
Okay, so I might have slightly exaggerated about my dislike for triangles, there is a place for them I agree, usually filled with cucumber - alongside afternoon tea and scones…..
Let us pray for a creative miracle by the time next weeks lesson comes round.
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