Enough now….

Dying is a natural, but emotionally uncomfortable event for patients, families and professionals.  There was a time in the middle ages when dying wasn't a big deal.  It was both accepted and tranquil, something that was a communal and public event involving ritual and mourning.  But attitudes have changed in 1,500 years.  We speak of death in hushed tones.  We close our eyes to it, hoping that by pretending it doesn't exist, it will go away…. We shelter our children and pretend a loved one who has died is 'sleeping'.  The medical community views it as an affront to their professional competency - something to be fought by every available scientific piece of gadgetry.

This has been proven with poor old GF.  We are coming up to week four, of her journey.  After going in and speaking with her Consultant (I use the term 'speaking' very loosely), he was an abrupt man, who came in hurriedly, and took a quick look at her, said she had made progress (this was diagnosed by her opening her eyes, even though she is now blind) and that they would be 'actively' treating her.

"And what do you mean, by 'Actively' treating her?" I questioned
"She has made progress."
"I am assuming by that you mean that she opened her eyes?"
"Yes, she opened her eyes, and so that is progress."
"Is it?"
"Yes"
"When did you see my grandmother last?"
"This morning."
"And when did you see her before that?"
"I haven't because she has just been moved over to this area."
"She opened her eyes last week, the day after her stroke.  She has made no other 'progress' since then."
"I cannot assess her without a baseline first."
"Yes, I understand that, but surely as she has only been moved 200 yards down the corridor, but still on the same ward, can you not start her assessment from when she came in?"
"No, because it is not my area."
"Are you joking me?"
"No I am not."
"And so, you are making an assessment for how long?"
"24/48 hours."
"Ahhh, you mean the weekend, when you will have skeleton staff on, and we won't see you until Monday then."
And so the conversation went on, neither of us backing down from the fight.  Mine for GF, and him for his 'rules and regulations'.

She is still paralysed, blind, unable to swallow, incontinent.  Her veins are becoming harder to keep any type of canular in, and so fluid is haphazard in it's continuity.  For the third time, she has had her NG tube removed (admittedly - she yanked the last one out….), however, today we had a call from the hospital to advise us that she was being very sick and they think that she has aspirated her feed into her lungs - this has resulted in her having yet more intravenous fluid, and antibiotics.

I feel enough is enough.  Am I cruel?  No I am not.  Cruel is keeping her in this state of no mans land.  Neither living, nor dead.  Just somewhere in-between.

When Craig and I went to visit GF on Sunday at 6.30pm , the lady in the bed next to her had died at 5pm.  The body was still in the bed, with the curtains drawn round.  It was literally 'deathly quiet' on the ward, GF was in her usual state of coma, with intermittent rambling and eyes bulging wide open, searching, but not focusing.  This is not something I want the girls to see, not because I want them to fear death, but because this is not Granny, and memories at such a young age are impressionable.  Fleetingly her eyes opened.

"Look!" Said Craig, "The lights are on!"
I stood up, directly in front of her, taking her hand I spoke.
"Granny, it's me, Samantha.  Hello Sweetie! It's okay, I'm here…"
Craig stood by my side.
And then Granny opened her mouth to yawn, her blackened tongue waving without control, and she made an involuntary gasp for air.
"JESUS CHRIST!" said Craig
I turned to look at him, he was on the floor behind me…
"What are you doing?" I said
"She scared me to death! I looked into her soul then!"
"Oh great!  And you hide behind me! Bloody typical!"
"Well I wan't going to be in the firing line!"
"Firing line of what exactly?"
"Whatever was going to come out of her mouth!"
"For gods sake you idiot! Get up!"

And we laughed….  You see? Even in times of death (albeit not GF's), there is life. Thank god. x x x